this is my body

I have always always always struggled with my weight.

There, I said it.

I would venture to say that most women do... especially those who've had children. Want to know what I feel most guilty about, more than anything else?

The fact that I struggle with weight and I've never carried a child.

I feel like I have no excuse.

I predict that you're thinking what I hear people say, "oh it's fine! you look great, you don't need to worry about anything..." Honestly, if you're thinking something else that's ok ;) I don't really need to hear it!

But the point is, this is a huge point of insecurity for me.

Well it hit me a few weeks ago... the fact that I do intend to have a baby one of these days... I've always intended for that... but I haven't always been in a place where that was a good plan. Now I'm married and life moves along... that day will be here sooner than I know it.

And I'm totally freaked out that if I don't do something I will just gain and gain and never lose anything as I go through child-bearing years...

I have had ups and downs for sure. I know where I'm comfortable, where I think I look fabulous... and I know where I'm very uncomfortable and think I don't looksogreat.

Now is one of those times. I mean, if I was somehow sentenced to stay the weight I'm at right now for the restofmylife, I think I could come to terms. But the fact that I have a choice to either go forward or backward, up or down, totally scares me.

Out of all the things I've done to lose weight there is only one thing that I've loved, stuck with for a long period of time and actually been effective.

Running.

But it's a love-hate relationship! I love the results, love the freedom of running but hate the getting in shape and making your body hurt part of it... blah, who doesn't.

Anyways, I started out today. Small, but enough to get me goin. I had a goal of 1.5 miles in 20 min which worked out to mostly running and a little bit of walking... I surprised myself being able to actually do it... it's been awhile lol :P

So I begin... I feel the need for accountability... or is it my need for pain... if I fail, posting what I'm doing hurts so much more. But I know what's against me and I need to just face my giants... or I might end up being one!

Here's to losing the 30 pounds I gained since last fall!