I'm proud

this is something I've been thinking about a lot over the last few months... facebook, blogs, social networking... what's the point? Well, for me it was initially really fun connecting with people from the past, then grew into a way to share things I maybe wouldn't share with people in person (hmmm) and now I've stumbled upon this nebulous state of ambiguity. Not really sure what's appropriate to share and what isn't. And why do I care about that?

The answer? Because I've been raised with the mindset that life is a blessing... not to be arrogant. And all of this sharing has made me feel, well arrogant.

But there's a difference between pride and arrogance... at least the way I'm describing it here. I am proud of my life. I am proud of my accomplishments and I am proud that I've been able to overcome things that have dragged others down...

I'm not perfect. I've made a lot of mistakes... and I don't want one of them to be me becoming an arrogant person.

The things I do work for me, because I've made goals in my life to listen to God's voice and heed what He says to me (most of the time, I've gotten in lots of trouble for not listening!).

So my hangup with facebook and blogging has been that I don't want to look like a snob... arrogant about the good things in my life. But why should I feel like I can't be happy about my life just because other people are unhappy? Or that I think they will judge me for being too goody-goody. If people think that I suppose they wouldn't read... at least that's what I would do.

I am so sullen with this whole concept lately. Hung up on what others would think of me... but who cares?

I'm happy with my life, and I'm so proud of the person I've grown up to be! Does anyone else understand where I'm coming from here? I guess I wanted to say type it out loud!

blessed

I began writing this post over 4 months ago and didn't have the ability to finish it well... sometimes this kind of thing just has to sit and marinate for awhile... but here it is now :)

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I've been so blessed by the comments received on my wedding invitations. I can tell you with much sincerity that our hearts are written out in those invitations. Steve and I are so amazed at what God has given us in these past few months as we've moved from meeting, to dating, to engagement and now soon to marriage. Our relationship has bloomed from hesitant hellos to loving embraces and I stand in complete awe at how gracious God is to show me such true and honest love.

What I want to write about though is more of a rabbit trail off this topic. Though it very much relates to my relationship with Steve and the promises of God. I may go on a couple tangents here but if you care to see this through to the end I hope to wrap up in a way that brings hope to the hurting.

So I begin...

I had always believed from the bottom of my heart that my Grandma Boss would be alive to see my first baby. And in preparation for that she made a baby blanket for that day.

I never saw that blanket, but I know it's there... even though Grandma isn't anymore. When the day comes for me to receive that blanket I know I'll totally lose it as it will be the way that Grandma shares that day with me. I loved all of my grandparents, but I had a very special bond with my Grandma Boss.

She and my Grandpa moved into live with my family in 1996. Grandpa passed away in the summer of '98 but Grandma stayed with us. She was a constant in our home. A quiet woman, with words that would throw you off every now and again. She kept us on our toes determined to retain her identity even with weakening bones from osteoporosis and several bouts with breast cancer. She was always cleaning her apartment, having her friends over and cooking her own meals... climbing on counters to reach the top shelf (until my mom would catch her and beg her to ask someone to help her do those things!) She was fiesty but you would never know it to look at her. She prayed daily. We knew that if Grandma Boss was praying for it, it would happen. She knew the Lord and He knew her. My mom has spent many mornings in the chair she used to pray in waiting on the Lord knowing he had met Grandma there so many times before.

When she passed away in February 2006, through tears, we celebrated knowing she was once again with her love and safe in the arms of Jesus. At her funeral we did everything we knew she would want but never ask for.

OK, now, that was not all irrelevant, but mostly I said all that to tell you about her favorite song. An old hymn, His Eye Is On The Sparrow.

In April of this year Steve and I went to a marriage conference that my parents had given us tickets to as a Christmas gift. I was skeptical at first because quite honestly the fact that we weren't married yet and my pre-conceived notions about marriage conferences being for people who had problems in their marriage ran around in my head. I had no idea what to expect, but what we experienced that weekend was truly inspiring. I saw that yes, people who have problems in their marriage could very well benefit from a conference such as the one we attended, but at the same time, if more couples attended them while not having problems they may be able to head them off before they start!

It was full of fun stories from the speakers and great resources and activities that we did together. It wasn't awkward at all... except when the one couple we knew there that was from our church started making comments about our future sex life... however, NOT the conference's problem ;)

During one of the sessions the speaker told a moving story about how he was able to connect with the amazing grace and love that God pours over us and it was through a song. I realized as the first note passed over his lips that it was His Eye is on the Sparrow, and tears began to roll from my eyes. It wasn't the person singing the song but what he said about it... and the message the song brings.

I realized in that same moment that on our wedding invitations was the small symbol in the form of a sparrow... and my heart felt light.

When I began the process of working on a design for our invitations, I told Maureen (my friend who made them) that my desire was to be able to incorporate something about my grandma that noone would really catch on to but that I would always know was there. I wanted her to be a part of our day...

And as I received comments from my lovely readers saying that they loved the sparrow it still had not clicked. When I heard the speaker sing that song it all hit at once.

I found that His eye really is on the sparrow looking after my deepest thoughts, hopes and desires. And I knew in my heart that on our wedding day my Grandma was able to be right there with us in spirit.

So although it was an unintentional detail, I was so unbelievably reminded of God's supernatural love and ability to watch over even the smallest things. Here are the words to the wonderful hymn...

1. Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
   Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
   When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
   • Refrain:
     I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
     For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
2. “Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
   And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
   Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
3. Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
   When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
   I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I'm a kid person

Over the years I've logged countless of watching and caring for different kids. People have assumed things of me, saying, "I'll bet you never want kids of your own after watching so many that aren't yours." OR "This is great birth control for you huh?"

I'm going to open it up here and be quite honest about my feelings on this topic. These people to some degree were spot on. For the last 2 and a half years I've been quite certain that I did not want kids for a long while. It's hard enough dealing with someone else's children day after day, and I got to go home at night. I've always felt in my heart that I want to stay home with my kids once I actually have them, so the fact that I would be with them all day AND all night has been very apparent in my mind.

knowing that, the last 2ish years, I've said, yep, you're absolutely right. I don't want kids now, and I'm not sure when I will want them. I have always known that when the time was right, God would lay that desire in my heart. But to some degree I worried that caring for so many other people's kids had tainted my vision of child-rearing and caused me to become bitter towards the process.

I can say in all honesty that over the last 6 months of being "kid free" that I simply cannot imagine living my life void of children. I want them, I need them, but I can wait to have them.

There is so much to be learned from kids. Maybe because I am such an analytic I can take the craziness of life with kids and turn it into some mosaic that looks like art.

Now, you may be thinking at this point that I can only see things this way because I've been kid free for so long now, but it's not true. I've been taking care of 2 little ones the last few weeks and I can say in all sincerity that watching them has made me realize all of this. It's given me the opportunity to remember the good times, the bad times and all the cool stuff that happens in between. Even when I'm all done having my own babies, I hope and pray that God will bring children across my path because the world is just a brighter place with new life running through it.

Now go peel your kid off your screaming toddler.

the trees spill gold

Over the last couple months my life has been constantly changing... so many things have happened. I've made some big decisions, the kind that totally turn you around and make a few unexpected turns along the way. I decided to stay in NY and not make a big move to another state, but I did decide to move.



Now, when I walk to my front door, this is what I see. I am in love with this house and yard. The apartment itself leaves a little to be desired ;) but hey, I can't have it all at once now can i?

I've debated putting pictures of the inside up, but am going to wait until I have finished some of the decorating. I have some very specific ideas so it's not like I'm wondering what to do, it's just taking some time. So once I get it finished up, I will share pictures.



Other than moving though, there have been other changes. And it feels weird to just blurt it out here on my blog, but I've started seeing the most amazing guy. We've been dating since my birthday a few weeks ago and in all sincerity I am totally falling for him. I used to think about what this time in my life would be like, but I never imagined it would be this great.



Everything is different now... and when everything was changing near the end of the summer, I wasn't sure how ready I was for it.

Change is hard.

It takes you out of the comfort you may have found in the place you were in.



But there is peace in the change when you know God is leading you...

It was so hard for me to make this move from home to a new place... and I thought I would be alone.

But I should have known better. The first few days in the new house I had no internet and woke up to silence in the morning light. Such a peace filled my heart and I knew then that I would not be alone even when noone was here.

God knows me so well... and timing is everything with Him. I haven't been or felt alone in this first month away from my family.



Each time I look out the window and see all these leaves changing I can't help but sigh on the inside and thank the Lord for the different seasons He brings upon us. In life and in our hearts.

I am so thankful for the way He's been leading me and that He's guided me into a new season of life that is so much better than I ever thought it could be.

Broken

Hi, I'm Amanda and I've been broken.

Not just once... more times than I can remember, or even want to.

I am blessed though, so thankful for the life I've been given. I'll explain here so you understand what I mean.

I've never gotten to a place where I wanted to give up on everything. Thankfully I've always had the strength of others around me to lift me up and lead me back to the place I know I can be fixed.

Broken people search for the thing that can fix them. I could list a string of places people turn to for retreat from pain and in times of desperation.

- drugs
- alcohol
- false love
- sex
- cutting
- making everything a joke
- isolation
- perfectionism
- controlling their bodies to the point of disorder and obsession
- eating
- i'm sure there are more...

It's easy to find temporal solutions to the pain we so often feel.

It's easy to fall into a place where all these things are found.

But unfortunately, it's not really easy living a life void of morality. A life void of God.

It's so easy to get wound into the bondage that is offered as a temporal consolation but that is unfortunately exactly what you receive as payment for that reprieve. Bondage.

Here I'd like to offer my thoughts on the subject of laying brokenness in the hands of God.

The truth is that you can't do something that you don't know how to do, right? I mean, most of what we do from day-to-day is something that we have either a) done before OR b) something someone has suggested we try.

Who are the ones you connect most easily with in hard times? People who have gone through the same thing you are going through... and whether what they've done worked or not, chances are, you'll give it a shot.

Problem is, even the most well-intentioned people, the fact remains, hurt people end up hurting people.

The times in my life I have found peace and refuge have not been the times I've run to everyone and everything but God. I think that total dependence on God is a misconceived notion by those who have not experienced Christ's healing and peace.

When Jesus died on the cross, he was beaten, broken, mocked and shamed. Why would God allow all these things to happen to His Son? I mean seriously. A loving God who would allow His one and only Son go through all this. There had to be a reason.

The concept of atonement is found in many religions, and in the Bible, before Jesus died on the Cross, it was necessary to sacrifice animals to atone for the sin that lived among the people. The only way to God was through sacrifice and death. The catch with all this is that the animals they sacrificed were imperfect... like us. Therefore there was a constant need for this process of sacrifice to repeat.

Jesus, unlike us, was spotless. Sinless. Perfect in every way. He was God's Son. Born of the virgin Mary. If there could only be one perfect sacrifice, there would never be a need for sacrifice again.

Jesus was that solution... He is the solution to our cycle of broken.

He was broken for us.

We are healed because He was broken in our place.

It is totally impossible for us to ever fully comprehend the extent of the grace God extends to us... because we are human. Our minds cannot fully conceive the nature of God.

A few years ago I ran across Isaiah 40:28 verse at a very low point. I felt condemned, broken, hurt and totally unworthy of God's love.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding noone can fathom."

Did you catch it? understanding NOONE can fathom.

Seriously, for me that's like God saying, "hold up, you have no idea what I'm capable of. I feel everything you do. I know what you're feeling better than you do. And I get it."

This realization literally brings me to my knees and often to tears. Realizing that I have found a God so unbelievably relevant and concerned with me. His love is amazing. He cares about the silly things that I care about. Every.Single.One.



I'll leave you with this. I can't help but remain breathless in the majesty of our God. The one who came down from his place in Heaven to break his only Son that we might have a chance at living a life redeemed of sin and brokenness.

I serve an amazing God...

i'm not old...

but lately for some reason I've been reflecting in ways that make me feel old.

For example, I look at my hands and realize that they've finally thinned out... not sure why, but my hands have always been on the "chunkier" side, and now they're not. Apparently my older brother had the same thing... my mom always told me that his hands looked like little kid/baby hands til he was in his mid-twenties. I look down sometimes and see my mom's hands. And I love that, because I've always wished for hands like my mom's. It also makes me stop and think about where I am right now. Who I am and what I've done so far.

Reality becomes something different for everyone. Whether good or bad.

I would like to know more about my future, but I think I would get bored if i knew what was going to happen by next year. That or I would become complacent, feeling that my life has already been set.

Right now in my life, I feel challenged daily. I'm facing some huge life changes right now, and scary as it may be, the scariness factor in no way outweighs my craving for adventure and the lure of the unknown.

That's all. Kinda random, I know :)

a new chapter

It seems like just a few weeks ago that I was thinking these days I've just spent were so far off.

I loved my job as a nanny. But it wasn't going to be my life. Or my career. It was never intended to be that for me. I never thought it would be so hard to leave though.

On the one hand, I'm so happy to be done with that chapter in my life. Whereas on the other, I feel like a huge piece of my heart and my life has been obliterated. Of course, the family I worked with only lives 6 miles from me. But it's not the same.

I used to think about what it would be like when I left... thinking that I could either be an emotional basketcase about the whole thing, or I could just be cold-hearted and unemotional so as to avoid the imminent heartache. Deep down, what I really wanted was a balance combination of the two. I think I've achieved that, but I never ever expected it to hurt as much as it does. I used to imagine myself crying at night... never really thinking that day would come. But it has. And even as I sit here, tears are coming to my eyes as I recollect the memories I have made with them the last two years.

It's a heartache that I've never felt before. And I'm trying to put words to how I feel, but it seems awfully difficult. I have so many things to look forward to right now. And one of the things I've been struggling with lately is the very real fact that I may very well be saying goodbye to a lot more people than Andy, Claudia and Sydney.

I had a dream just the other night that I was hugging people I knew I would never see again. Simply because their presence in my life is not that profound. Like, if I leave to live in north carolina, I will still see my family, and my close friends, but there are a lot of people that i just may never see again. It's hard to think about, but somehow comforting... maybe because if I realize it now, it won't be so hard when the time actually comes.

I sat down here originally to write down how excited I am to be leaving in the morning. And that I am! I have so many plans in my mind... whether they become reality, we'll see. But I am hoping to have an adventure unlike any I've had so far in my life these next 3 weeks. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.

I was just looking through my flickr account to see if i had an appropriate picture to share (since my entire desktop is packed away in my car!) Yes, that's right. I'm taking my desktop with me. I started thinking about doing all the work I have to do on my laptop and I realized that the laptop would meet it's death if I attempted such a thing. It's seen better days. But alas, there are no pictures appropriate for such a post, but feel free to check out the pics in my photostream anyways :) There are a lot in there that I have yet to post on my photo blog. But they will be posted soon :) and hopefully with lovely commentary. Although, most of the time I feel like the things I have to say with my pictures are just blahblahblah.

Anyways, it's after midnight now, and while I expected to be hitting the sack by about 3am, I am pleasantly accepting this new bedtime :)

My next post will be from MD and I'm planning to photo-document my whole trip. We'll see how that goes ;)

happy with who I am

While i was growing up, and in high school I had a horrible self-image. As most teens do. I was never extremely overweight, but i was never at the weight I actually should be. And in my mind, that was as bad as being 500 pounds.

When I was a freshman, I clearly remember overhearing a senior girl talking to her friends one day and telling them how she had weighed 152 and lost 20 pounds and oh thank God, because I was such a blimp. Great for my self-esteem as I already weighed more than her max at 152.

Looking back at pictures now, I realize that I was not a big kid. That at best if i had just joined a sport, I would have toned up and look fabulous. But due to my severe lack of physical dexterity and coordination, team sports were something more humiliating to me than the weight I kept as a tradeoff.

I've learned a lot over the years about learning to be happy with my body, but I've also learned that it's not about being happy, but truly valuing what God's given you.

That being said, I know now that just being happy with my weight or my appearance aren't enough. That is why I have been making changes in my lifestyle to keep my body healthy while not worrying so much about how it actually looks. When motivated to change by outward appearances, the work is hard and the results are often negligible.

I've tried many ways to lose weight in my short lifetime but decided over a year ago that I would die fat before I would be known as "the constant dieter." Life's too short for dieting!

So instead friends, make healthy changes. Start small and work your way into it. If you try diving in head first and immersing yourself in unfamiliar surroundings you will no doubt be screaming for air (or massive amounts of devil's food cake more likely) within a week or even days!

At this point in the post, I feel as though I should be writing out a list of things I've done to ease into a healthier lifestyle, but I don't know if I even can... we've made a lot of changes in my household the last couple years... I don't even remember where we started.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that if you just stop eating potato chips, or cut out any one thing, you will lose weight and forevermore be happy and healthy. I have definitely made a lot of stops on the way to where I'm at now with my eating and care of my body, and I have a lot more to make.

What I will tell you though, is that it's more about your focus than your results. If you change your eating and lifestyle so that you can lose weight or look better, the fact is, you will most likely not make it to your goal weight. However, if your focus is based on reading your body and learning about what is good for you, and what is not and earnestly desiring to care for yourself the way God intended you to, you will most likely begin to see your body change as a side effect.

Mostly, since I am offering only personal experience, I hope that this post will be encouraging to those of you who read it. I hope that it might cause some of you who feel trapped in your body to think outside the box and feel energized that it's not about how you look, but being a good steward of what you've been given that's important.

reprioritizing

Lately i've been working on transitioning my life in a lot of ways and feeling the burden of a lot of other things as I do so.

- I'm preparing to take on my business full-time
- really working at getting my body more healthy
- getting ready for melissa's wedding (who am i kidding, if i think that is a transition for me what the heck is it to her then!)
- working with the youth group
- working in general

while that list looks quite small, it takes up most all of my brain space.

This creates a problem. I unfortunately am letting a few things fall between the cracks... mainly, my spiritual life. My walk with God.

I have been thinking for literally weeks now that I am doing so well focusing on just a few things, that if I try to add anything else in (including God) I will fail... at something.

Who am I kidding?

Seriously.

How do I suppose I have gotten to the place where I am today. It is incomprehensible to me to try and understand how the gifts I have inside of me burning a hole through every part of my life have not been given to me by God.

How could I think that the person I am is not affected by the God who created me?

I feel like a loser for thinking that one of the things I could "cut out" would be God. I know God doesn't think I'm a loser, because I am confident (and I earnestly mean that) that He is understanding of my downfalls and is still there when I get my head screwed on straight.

If i've learned anything through the discipline it's taken to get my butt off the couch and run it's been that it's exactly that.

Discipline.

At first, I would run everyday. Because I was afraid if I didn't, I would quit. Or i would lose momentum and not be able to get back on. It's been 9 weeks and I have gone from barely being able to run 30 seconds at a time to running almost 3 miles yesterday!

I look forward to running now! I love the feeling of being outdoors and going and going and going. I feel like nothing can stop me and I am so confident that what I'm doing is good for my mind, body and dare I say it, my soul.

Enough is enough. I know that I possess the discipline it takes to be close to God. and walking with God isn't a discipline once you get past the point of waiting in the silence. There is only so much silence before you start to hear... So, that's it. Choosing the life of a Christian is not something I do only as a religious conviction, although I know that being a Christian gives me a moral compass that I would truly be a mess without...

It's about getting to know the One who gave me desire. Passion. Energy. Ideas and creativity.

And that's pretty much it. Getting to know Him... because without Him, I'm nothing.

a little of this, a little of that

As much as i hate the posts where people sit here and blog about the blogging slump they are in, I have decided to do just that.

I'm going to pretend that people don't read this thing and just write what's in my head. Because, after all, that is why I wanted to begin blogging to begin with.

The past few weeks have been so different for me. Usually during the winter, I hit a serious low. Like the kind of low that makes me realize that I really should be on meds for that time... like seriously. Although I have so many exciting things in my life, it seemed that it didn't really hold that slump at bay this winter, which was even more depressing.

In any case, as I've written about on here, I have begun running. Not only that, but I decided to go a step further and actually join a gym! I went back and forth in my head about it before ultimately deciding that it was the right decision for me.

Since joining, I have found that I so look forward to going. I used to wonder what kind of drugs people had flowing through their veins when they would talk about how much they loved going to the gym... well, I understand now. Maybe it's that I have so many things going on in my life, it's really nice to have that hour or so all to myself.

As a result of building more discipline into my life in this way, I have seen all kinds of good things happening in my life. I feel more energized, empowered and confident about myself. I, however, have also begun to see so many of my shortcomings in a clearer light. I think that this is because I am not ignoring all my faults because I feel powerless to overcome them, but rather I am seeing them now because I know that I can actually do something about it.

I'd like to say that I think i'm growing up a lot... I mean, seriously, I'm 24 years old. I'm a grown-up. But I don't think anyone ever really grows up. I will probably be like 89 years old and saying the same thing. It's a dangerous place to be to think that you've figured it all out, or that you don't have more to learn. I have a hard time with people who flaunt their knowledge and life experience in my face as a way to say that they have a leg-up on me.

Moving right along.

So as not to make this post entirely self-reflective I will now begin moaning about how many pictures i have not been taking. I have a plan in place to get myself organized so that my workflow becomes a more streamlined process. I think that I don't take pictures because it's so time consuming to do them the way I actually like them. Therefore, probably this weekend I will be implementing my new plan to make that happen.

Speaking of this weekend, I have my first wedding to photograph. I am so nervous and so excited all at the same time! I have so far booked 3 weddings this year and have one more in the works. I have at least one for next year and have been booking for other shoots throughout this summer!

I never would have thought a year ago if you had asked me, that I would be where I am right now. Seriously. Never.

That seems to be all that I have running through my mind right now (at least all that I can write down appropriately ha) Tomorrow I will be taking a picture of myself in the dress again. I have actually lost some more weight since last time, so I'm hoping that it fits better than before. Not that i'm complaining about before... it would be nice though :)

It's beginning to look like Christmas!

Each year it gets harder for me to get in the Christmas spirit. I believe that the true spirit of Christmas can be found in the eyes of a child. There is a wonder and excitement that is held within their little hearts... and a faith that cannot be matched by years of wisdom.

Children are a piece of heaven on earth... our little ones are so close to God's heart because they've come straight from Him... they're hand-picked, each and every one... and when God lets them enter our lives, it's a reminder to us of how beautiful life is.

I am amazed at God's handiwork and amazing love as I share in the lives of the children I take care of everyday. All too often I get caught up in the stress of life... and I forget how much I can learn from them.

Oh look at me go... bein all sappy and whatnot. I've been feeling quite emotional the last few days. Whether it's the time of year, or hormones or the fact that i'm a stuffer and it's all spilling out now... whatev.

I'll tell ya one thing though. This little boy made my heart melt on Saturday. God is so good to me. Seriously.


What I wouldn't give to have a child like Joshua. He is a complete beauty...

This family found me on craigslist for an ad I posted for Christmas cards. To see the rest of their shoot, go over to the blog.

I'm sure I'll have more blibber blabber to share as the days pass til Christmas... so bear with me. I actually am a very emotional person... I just find that I try not to allow myself to be all that often because it's just too much work! Does anyone know what I mean?!!?!?

$1000 check

This past week I went to a conference where I heard Bill Johnson speak. I mentioned this in my last post but didn't expand on purpose. I wanted to save those reflections/thoughts for this separate post.

Anyways, i have had a real passion for seeing God work supernaturally ever since I went to India and saw it happening firsthand. I've heard Bill through like dvds of different conferences he has spoken at, but what an opportunity to hear him speak in person.

I am not one to pin greatness on people. And that's not what i'm doing here. I just know that I was seriously impacted by what he had to say and wanted to more or less get my thoughts written down.

So here's the thing. I have seen healings occur, as you've heard me speak of on here in the past, and I have been trying to STILL figure out how to categorize watching the seemingly impossible, happen.

I have heard people say that if you don't believe enough, then someone won't be healed. I have heard people say that people don't get healed because of some greater reason God has in mind...

I don't know that I believe either of those so much.

This is what Bill said that made a ton of sense to me.

So get this:

Jesus already paid for healing when He died on the cross. When we pray for someone to be healed, it's like we're delivering a check that's already been made out to them.

If we are just the carriers, then it wouldn't make a difference whether we believed it would happen or not. Like, if I have a check in my hand for $1000 to give to my friend alicia, and I didn't believe that I was holding a check for $1000, it really wouldn't matter. The fact remains, I am still holding the check for $1000... now I just have to hand it to her.

It's an interesting concept. And while I'm still figuring out how to mentally take in all that I have seen and heard in the last year or so, I am choosing to realize that God is at work among us...

and whether I believe it or not doesn't matter at all...

Which is pretty stinking cool.

Josh and Anna

About a year ago, before I was ever even thinking about doing photography professionally, Anna told me that I was going to be taking family pictures for her next (this) summer.

She wanted the baby to be about a year old... although I've been around this last year and we could have done pictures once a month and STILL not captured all the cuteness that makes up Jesse.

So, long about March, I began venturing out in my photography skills... I have been taking pictures on and off for about 6 years... but it's finally turning into a business... and hopefully a profession.

When I talked to Anna about what she wanted these pictures to be, I was so inspired...

Each time I looked through the viewfinder I could imagine just what she was asking me for... and again while I was processing them...

Here, let me just tell you through the pictures

(can you see how their heads form the shape of a heart, I love that :)

She told me that her grandparents were married very young and were such a beautiful example of how love makes life beautiful. They were so in love and the evidence of it has stayed them through the years. There is only one picture of them when they were young and she said what a reminder to her and the rest of her family of how amazing the love was between them.


So while we wanted to shake things up a bit and do some really cool and fun pictures, we still wanted to make sure that we captured the love between them and how it has made the two of them into a family.

Looking at these pictures, imagining that they were taken fifty years ago is really amazing...


I can just see it... and it sobers me to know that the most important part of taking pictures is capturing a moment that will forever be lost in time... but is always going to be a part of our lives... and the way that we will remember that space in time.

Can you see the heart in Jesse's ear here?



This is Judah. It's just so amazing to watch kids grow and learn. He has just turned 3 and his personality is just blossoming. He is great company, and I love hangin out with the kid :)


And how sweet are they together... I found this quote and it fits them... "A brother shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams." -Author Unknown

I know that's the prayer of their parents, and it does my heart good to see kids growing up with such amazing guidance.


I am so thankful and blessed to be able to do pictures like these...I've truly been realizing that it is a God-given gift...

and I want to use it not only to the best of my ability...

but to His glory... cuz He's the reason I can do this in the first place!

If you want to see the rest of their pictures, you can visit my photo blog (that's right folks, not an actual website yet, but it's coming!)

I don't "feel" God

Before I went to Mexico, I did a lot of thinking about what I expected to get from the trip. I knew that it would be a great time with a lot of people I was close with. That we would get to reach out to the people down there and pray with them, share with them... etc.

But what I was unsure about was how my emotions were going to react.

Last year I went to India.

It was my first time *ever* travelling internationally, and I was helping to orchestre the travel plans for 19 people.

Hmmm... that doesn't sound like a relaxing time.

It wasn't. In fact, we ended up having serious travel problems that all began with our very first flight being cancelled.

It took us 105 hours to travel what should have taken about 40.

By the time we got there, I was so unbelievably stressed out that I didn't know how to react to anything. Add in the culture shock and I was a complete mess.

Don't get me wrong, my experiences were amazing, and I saw God move over there through us and others in ways I'd never seen before.

However, my emotions were going NUTS! I was a ball of stress... my hair started falling out (literally), I barely slept... I was a mess.

So my first extreme missions experience was just that. Extreme.

It occurred to me shortly after coming home from India that although the trip was unforgettable and really great, I never wanted to do that again. Specifically, I never wanted my emotions and stress levels to get that crazy.

So when I began to think about Mexico and what it held, I started to think about how I was going to deal with the reality that I am very much led by my emotions. I needed to chillax and take some time to recognize that I don't have to feel everything to make it real.

You see, I'm the kind of person where even if i hear someone tell me something a hundred times, I still may not believe it. It sounds pathetic, but I need that constant affirmation. I am learning to deal with it, but it can cause some real insecurity.

Therefore, I have found that when I am not having an emotional experience, I tend to disregard the power of our extraordinary God.

I knew that this was a problem for me, and I specfically decided that I was not going to put God in a box.

I had to realize that whether or not I felt God moving or not was irrelevant.

He still lives and moves among us.

I have never seen God.

I have never seen an angel.

I have never seen a demon.

But I have seen this.

Cancerous tumors physically shrink.

Hair grow back on a lady who had bald spots all over her head.

A little girl who couldn't walk because of a tumor get up and start running all over the place.

Broken hearts healed...

It brings tears to my eyes when I think back on these things... I am seriously tearing up as I write...

My point is this.

God doesn't fit our view of Him.

He's most defintely not hiding Himself from us... but sometimes the places we are looking are too limited...

I see God everyday now.

But I still don't "feel" Him.

I don't know about you, where you're at, what your situation is. But I know that in my life, I've found that when I ask God a question, or for Him to help me with something... the answer isn't how I would always imagine it to be.

I don't hear a booming voice from Heaven...

I don't get this crazy emotional entranced experience where I have a "tada" moment and suddenly know what to do.

Sometimes, the answer comes from someone else's mouth... or a thought that comes to mind...

God is always there...

But he's not always a "feeling"

I'm learning how to see God everywhere I go and in all the things I do. It's amazing to me how much I limit myself and God in everyday life.

Just because I can't feel Him... doesn't mean He's not there.

get ready

If you read my blog, please take a moment and prepare yourself for the fact that 78% of my post content for the next couple weeks will have to do with Mexico.

Why is that you might ask?

Because I'm SO going there in 4 days!

I thought I would write a bit about what I'll be doing there and why I'm going etc before I inundate your reader or bloglines with random pictures and info about Mexico.

Last summer I went on my first missions trip to India. It was incredible - and seriously life-changing. My perspective of the world changed dramatically as a result of the trip. I realized a lot of things about the way I live my life that I would like to change. I want my life to make a difference in this world. I don't want to necessarily be recognized for some great achievement, I just want to know that when I'm gone, my efforts will affect the next generation... and maybe even further.

When I think about stuff that way, it's easy to see how inconsequential so many things I have and the things I do day to day are.

I've always been more of a "big picture" type thinker, and I understand that not everyone is like that. So since going to India and seeing more of what my life could look like if I hadn't been born in America into a home with so much opportunity, I've been trying to see what things I can do and how I can use my time and energy to make a difference in the world.

In the meantime, I decided I really wanted to travel more to other countries and get a feel for different cultures. Not only that but I want to be obedient to God's call in my life. Enter Mexico.

I really feel that this trip is a stepping stone for me and it definitely is stretching me past my comfort zone. It already has! We are going to be doing some sweet dramas and to say that I wasn't a "drama person" would be an understatement. But I'm having so much fun with it, and I'm really happy that I've been forced into doing it because I never would have done it voluntarily :)

While we're down there we'll be doing some work projects, working with some kids and the most exciting part for me is that we're actually going to be travelling to a village. Ok, I live in a village... what's the big deal? Well, going to a village in an underdeveloped country is the best way to see what life is really like... where the cultural differences really stand out... and where the people are most excited to see you. I can't wait to go and get to stumble my way through conversations and get to meet kids and sing and play with them... it makes me smile just thinking about it!

One of the best parts of this trip though is that we have been able to really plan ahead with what we'll leave behind when we go. We were able to budget in all the money we would need for the work projects so that when we get down there it won't be like "ok here we are, but we need you to pay for everything..." Yah that's not really a blessing. The other thing is that we knew that they need a sound system, so we were also able to budget that in and get a really nice one... good for like 300-500 people. I'm pretty stoked about that... it's one thing to go and do good stuff, but it's another thing to be able to leave permanent things behind.

AHH! Can you tell I'm excited yet?!?!

I think that's enough pre-explaining rambling. You get the idea :) We'll be down there from July 2nd - 13th and we'll be working with a church down there, Vida Abundante. If you think to pray for me as I travel or while I'm down there I would so appreciate that. Like I said before I will one of these days write about my travel woes on the way to India... that made me believe that prayer is necessary... always :)

Easter Morning

Yes, that's what this morning is... and while I should be in the shower and worrying about what i'm actually going to wear, i'm here instead blogging. Oops. Anyways, I thought I would share a few thoughts on Easter. Reflection if you will.

I love that we have the same holidays every year. I used to think that as I got older they would become more and more monotonous, but I have found just the opposite. I see that each time a holiday, like Christmas or Easter comes around, I actually am able to stop and think about the reasons that we celebrate them to begin with. It's a time to remember all the reasons I live my life the way I do.

As much as it makes me cry when I actually think about what Jesus did on the cross, I find myself returning to that place of rememberance every year. Last night we went to a passion play and upon seeing the sight of Jesus on the cross a few thoughts ran through my mind. I thought that this is kind of sick that we so often reenact such a gruesome story... but then I realized, that what Jesus did was horrible. And we need to be harshly reminded at times...

Jesus death on the cross was so much more than death. In fact, it's not even about death. It was all about life. He died so that we could live! and the best part about the whole thing was that he didn't even stay dead! How awesome is that!? I'm not serving some dead guy in a tomb. Nope, I'm serving the one who rose from the grave on the third day and is still alive in my heart!

Enjoy this glorious Easter morning!

i wish

that i had some pictures to post. But since I don't, I am going to write about the things that make me feel good. And since I don't feel really good right now, it will be easy to come up with a list of things that do :)


The very top of the list will be...

Days like today. When I walk out of the house, and the sun is completely up... and i didn't wear a jacket (just a stolen sweatshirt from my brother), i could hear the birdies, and although there is snow on the ground, it's just warm enough that it's starting to melt promising more days to come like this one.

Afternoons and coffee spoons, one of the songs on my playlist right now. I looked up the lyrics, and they don't make a whole lotta sense, but i like the melody. it makes me feel better... and i think it's about being sick haha!

Scrapbooking. I got all my stuff out today and did 2 whole pages! I guess if i had my camera, that's something I could post... but i don't!

the color green.

the color pink.

the color green and pink together.

flowers that are green and pink.

Flowers. Especially when they are popping through the soil in the spring. It's just the beginning of my love affair with them though. the few months of winter where they are scarce are what make them such a treat when they come back!

I love laying in the grass in the summer. Especially this last summer with the kids. We would take a blanket out in the yard and the girls and I would lay on it and read... or just talk. I love that.

Reading a good book.

When the sun is shining like it is today, I make sure to go out on the porch for a few minutes and ingest some vitamin D. It does the body... and the soul good.


There's a lot more I could come up with, but those are top on the list right now. What are some of the things that make you feel better?

a marketing company's nightmare

Ok, so after reading everyone's fabuless accounts of their lovely and romantic love lives, i really felt the need to say something about my own... or lack thereof.

I know this is a late post, and if you're reading it, it's probably no longer V day. But that's not the point. the point is that i DID write it on V day, so there.

So basically wanted to write about my feelings about said day... and they are this. I think that valentine's day is an adorable holiday... especially when it involves children. and i think that the age old tradition of passing around valentines in elementary school is so cute. but when it comes to the big leagues, it's a different story. Now please don't take my tones of bitterness/sarcasm as the rants from a 23 year old spinster. this is how i feel now, and will most likely always feel. I really like to hear romantic stories about V day... i love seeing other couples in love and hearing what wonderful things they do for eachother on V day. However, my personal feelings about the day are that it should not be a day that is special at all.

this is my theory: when one expects something on V day, they are almost always disappointed. One thing or another doesn't match up with the expectations and said person is let down. When one does not expect anything on V day, ultimately someone will screw it up with an unexpected expectation! It's an all around lose-lose situation. i've struggled through my share... with and without someone to share it with... and i've NEVER liked the day for myself.

I'm the girl who the marketing companies hate... and that's just fine with me :)

Vitamin D and Owen

This is the face i have had to look at all day long. Truly, this picture doesn't even do justice to the patheticness of this poor creature. He will sit across the room in an Eeyore inspired position and then look over his shoulder at me with the most pleading eyes i have ever seen. It speaks to the fact that even dogs feel the gloominess that this time of year hands us. What's funny though is that whenever i say his name, his tail starts to wag... i think that if i had a tail i would wag it too.

I've gotten past the point where my sunny pictures in Brazil no longer make me feel warm... I mean they definitely remind me of the sun and all... but i'm just not inspired by it like i was. It lasted for a couple of months... but right now, especially this week... man it's just depressing!

So poor Owen... at least looking at his face makes me realize that i'm not the only one longing to go outside and run around and not return to the house covered in mud. I can't wait for the sun to break... when it happens, i may just go out in full on sweat gear and take a nap in it. or maybe i could just start taking vitamin D?

thoughts

Tonight, on my way home from a great night out with alicia, merrie and melissa i had sudden inspiration for an outfit to wear tomorrow...

... when i was little i remember lying in bed one night drawing a picture of a raccoon in my mind. I would close my eyes and watch as my pencil moved over the paper and formed every detail perfectly. i was *very* excited about this and thought to myself that if i could draw so well in my mind that for sure i could draw that well in real life. So the next morning i went off to my second grade classroom, got out my pencil and paper and began to draw that little raccoon. It didn't work out quite the way i had hoped. I began to realize then how active my imagination can be at times. I feel things in an almost unnatural way sometimes... and by that i mean that beauty in all its different forms isn't something that i just see, i actually feel it.

i said all that to say that when i got home, i went to my closet to try and compose this outfit, but it didn't quite work out the way my mind had imagined it. i'm back to the trusty rusty standby.

this post may seem a little *out of the ordinary* and getting a very small peek into how my mind thinks may leave you feeling like you know me even less than you thought you did. And you may think, "what in the world do clothes and raccoons have anything to do with how my mind works?" I guess for the most part, I am talking about how the things that are beautiful, the things that God has made alive in my imagination is an art form that i am constantly trying to express.


Art in it's truest form always looks better when it's a reflection of someone's imagination. I love seeing what comes from other people minds and imaginations because it can truly be so spiritual. God connects people with an unnatural ability to connect emotionally through what is seen and felt. when someone creates something that they feel inside of them, it's a lot easier for the viewer to connect with what they are looking at. and it just amazes me how awesome God is when i see this happen.