this is my body

I have always always always struggled with my weight.

There, I said it.

I would venture to say that most women do... especially those who've had children. Want to know what I feel most guilty about, more than anything else?

The fact that I struggle with weight and I've never carried a child.

I feel like I have no excuse.

I predict that you're thinking what I hear people say, "oh it's fine! you look great, you don't need to worry about anything..." Honestly, if you're thinking something else that's ok ;) I don't really need to hear it!

But the point is, this is a huge point of insecurity for me.

Well it hit me a few weeks ago... the fact that I do intend to have a baby one of these days... I've always intended for that... but I haven't always been in a place where that was a good plan. Now I'm married and life moves along... that day will be here sooner than I know it.

And I'm totally freaked out that if I don't do something I will just gain and gain and never lose anything as I go through child-bearing years...

I have had ups and downs for sure. I know where I'm comfortable, where I think I look fabulous... and I know where I'm very uncomfortable and think I don't looksogreat.

Now is one of those times. I mean, if I was somehow sentenced to stay the weight I'm at right now for the restofmylife, I think I could come to terms. But the fact that I have a choice to either go forward or backward, up or down, totally scares me.

Out of all the things I've done to lose weight there is only one thing that I've loved, stuck with for a long period of time and actually been effective.

Running.

But it's a love-hate relationship! I love the results, love the freedom of running but hate the getting in shape and making your body hurt part of it... blah, who doesn't.

Anyways, I started out today. Small, but enough to get me goin. I had a goal of 1.5 miles in 20 min which worked out to mostly running and a little bit of walking... I surprised myself being able to actually do it... it's been awhile lol :P

So I begin... I feel the need for accountability... or is it my need for pain... if I fail, posting what I'm doing hurts so much more. But I know what's against me and I need to just face my giants... or I might end up being one!

Here's to losing the 30 pounds I gained since last fall!

Jingle bell run

About a month ago I decided it was time to start getting serious about running again. Especially since I began going to Crossfit with Andrea. I've been doing Crossfit 2 days a week and then supplementing the other days with running, so all in all I've been working out 3-4 times a week, woohoo!

And that my friends is probably the only reason I haven't gained 100 pounds due to the cookie consumption that has occurred this month!

It's always easier to get up in the morning and get going when you have someone waiting for you. Expecting you to get your booty out of bed since they had done the same for you! So my friend Holly and I decided that we would start running together with the purpose of running a 5K sometime soon. I heard about the jingle 5K and was super excited about doing that, but alas, that particular 5K was 2 days after we actually started running. Training time fail.

But I still wanted to tie jingle bells to my sneakers and do a jingle bell run, so last week when Melissa gave me jingle bells with my Christmas present I was all set to do a pre-Christmas jingle bell run! I took a couple over to Holly the next day and this morning we met to do our best run yet.





We're so on our way to running a 5K especially now that we're getting used to running in such cold temps! The coldest we've run so far was 10 degrees, that was really killer, I do not recommend doing that. Today we were up to almost 20, but still in the teens. Crazy, I know, but somehow it's so much fun!

I love my running buddy!

back from the beach

It was a long week full of fun, sun and some burnt buns...

ok, well maybe not, but it rhymed, and let's just say, maybe i coulda been a little more careful with the sunscreen? Just sayin.

We arrived home last night around 2am, after 16 hours of driving. UGH! It only took 12 hours getting down there, but on the way back we were stuck from richmond to DC approximately 100 miles for FIVE HOURS.

I have a list of different topics to blog about from the trip, so if you don't mind (heck, who cares if you do, this is my blog after all) I'll be writing a lot about the trip for the next few days. I will however spice it all up with pictures, since my writing can be rather drab at times.

We left on Sunday afternoon at 4pm and arrived in Wilmington at 4am. Since nothing was really open at that time we decided to head straight for the beach and wait for the sun to rise. When I was down before, I only visited Wrightsville Beach, so that's where we went. We took our big beach blanket out into the sand in the misty early morning and slept for almost an hour before the faintest light started breaking through the night sky.



I tried my best to enjoy it for all it was worth, but by the time it got even this light, I was tired, hungry, a little cold and kinda grumpy. So we set out for McDonald's and got some delicious and nutritious breakfast.

We arrived at our campground of choice at 7:30am and began setting up camp. By 8:30 I was sweating so much that I started chiding myself on how I could have been stupid enough to think that camping in North Carolina in August was a good idea. Seriously, what's wrong with me?

Anyways, I was up early enough one other morning to see the sunrise again, but no pictures that time. We were up to run... and let me tell you a secret. If I actually lived in NC, I would no longer be running. I have never sweat so much in my life. I used to think that I like to sweat. That's because when I sweat up here, it's like, "ope, there's a little drop of sweat running off my forehead." Whereas down there it's like, "omg I can't see anymore because so much sweat has dripped into my eye."

You love that mental picture, don't lie.

The mental picture I have right now though is of my bed. Beds are so not overrated, and I'm looking forward to getting in mine right now :)

YoungLife 5K

Last night was the annual YoungLife 5K in Honeoye Falls. A good friend of mine, Sean, is the staff intern for this chapter and asked me to come and take some pictures.

So take pictures I/we did. One of my girls from cadre last year, Allison, came to help me out. She just got a brand new Nikon d5000 a couple months ago and this was a great chance for both of us to practice our event photography. She also happens to be the cover of my new brochure, check it out!



Here they are at the starting line. I was amazed at how many young kids there were. The youngest one I talked to was only 7 years old! I guess since I've never stepped into the world of races myself, there is still something very intimidating about it. But to see such a little girl give it her all really inspires me.

I was glad to find a couple people there that I knew... one in particular was Dara. I was able to get a couple shots of her crossing the finish line, but this next one i thought was super cool.



Getting there right after 6 gave me a good idea what the light is going to be like next week for my 6pm family shoot. And oh, was it lovely! I love shooting at this time of day.



So many possibilities and ways to work with it! I will only need about a bajillion more shots like this before my craving for shooting into the sun is satiated...

It was such a great day for a race. Not too humid, late enough in the day that it wasn't too hot. Seriously, fantabulous.

And, no, I have not forgotten about my desire to do a 5K myself. I'm actually working very hard right now to change some bad habits that I've gotten into in regards to running. So far my plan is working and by the end of the month I should be running 2 miles without stopping... May sound crazy to some of you who are runners, but the way I started out, I had to take my breaks. I'm finally at a point where I really don't have need to stop. So I just have to work through it in my head and push through... once I break the 2 mile mark, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to keep going further... just a matter of making up my mind before I set out at this point!

still running strong

It's been 11 weeks since I began running and let me tell you I cannot believe i'm still doing it.

In fact, up until this last week i was just loving it! It got harder this past week, but I've noticed that since I've begun eating healthier and exercising that I am able to read my body a lot more clearly. I definitely have a stronger sense of what I need and what I don't need. What I can take, and what I can't. It's a great feeling!

The day before Easter, I ran my first mile with no stopping for walking breaks. HUGE milestone! It's so stinking psychological. Well, since then I've been all about pushing myself just a bit further, and a little more and a little more...

So much so that I have totally pooped myself out. And went from staying out through 2+ miles to like 1-1.5 miles. Depressing right? my mentality has been that I should just run through it all... but I am seeing the downside of that. If i just run til i can't run any further, i'm only out there for like 15-20 minutes. And from the beginning I said I would go 30 minutes minimum no matter how far I went!

So, today I went back to intervals. 5 minutes running and then a little break and continued on like that for 30 minutes. Well, actually 29, but I was home, and I wasn't about to run around the yard. Still got 2.2 miles in though and that's pretty hot for not being able to go more than 30 seconds at a time less than 3 months ago ;)

Oh, and for those of you wondering, I have actually lost more weight as a result of all this. I'm right around -13 pounds. It makes me happy to know that just by treating my body well, it rewards me like this :) I can't lie and say that I don't get excited to see the pounds go away, but I've never lost this much without "dieting"

Good lord, I'm so over dieting now lol!

In fact, I'm headed downstairs to eat a choco-chip cookie right now ;)

it actually fits!

The dresses for Melissa's wedding came in on Monday... the long awaited day had finally arrived. About a month ago, I came to terms with the fact that this dress would not fit if I didn't do something. I did not intentionally order it too small, in fact, when I ordered I was deluded into thinking that I would be able to fit into it.

My reasoning was this. Last year I was in another wedding on the same weekend as Melissa's. When I bought that dress I weighed what I weigh right now. And the dress fit perfectly.

I did not take into account though, that last year's dress was much more forgiving leaving me that room to waiver.

This year's dress is much more fitted. And there's no stretch to it at all. So, when purchasing the dress I told them (against the counsel of the seamstress) what size I wanted because gosh darn it, that's what size I am!

Buuuut, when reality set in, and I realized that I would have struggled to get into my "forgiving" dress from last year, I set to work. I started running/walking and have since begun resistance training. (the sight of my arms in a strapless was more than enough motivation)

Two nights before I got the dress and had to face my moment of truth, I had a horrific dream. Let me tell you...

It was the day of the wedding. And I for some reason, was shooting a wedding that day... how that happened, I don't know. I had forgotten my camera and all my equipment and had to run back to my house to get it all. By the time I got back home, I was all sweaty and nasty, but realized that I had a job to do, so I just ran back to the church (which happened to be LCS, why? idk. I haven't even been there in about a year lol)

Upon arriving back at the church, I couldn't find the bridal party, so I was calling everyone on my phone who might be able to locate them. After a few calls, the bride finally calls me and is all like, where in the world are you?

I found them all and that ended that segment of the dream. I moved to a trailer where I was getting ready for Melissa's wedding now. Apparently this other pseudo wedding was over and done with haha. As I went to put on my dress believing it to be a very pretty shade of tan (like latte) I pulled the cover off of it and realized it was blue! Which, by the way is indeed the color of the dress... and I happen to love it. But, upon seeing that it was entirely different than what I expected I was immediately disappointed.

I got over that quickly and went to put it on. Now, it seemed to go on just fine... until I looked down and saw that the cut on the bust line was made to show off as much as possible and my *ahem* bust, was not staying where it should. It was like one of those heart shaped cuts, where it scoops down in the middle. But instead of the little scoop it should have been, it was like whoa nelly! I decided quickly that I would need some wardrobe tape in order to keep everything in place (nevermind the fact that I would never be caught dead in real life wearing something that revealing) wardrobe tape would most certainly be the solution.

An old friend from camp suddenly appeared and allowed me to borrow her car to go to the store. So I grabbed her keys and looked down to see that I was already wearing shoes...

Yes, the shoes that I had bought for the wedding.

Imagine a pair of soft leather beige boots that laced up the front.

That's what I was wearing. And for the life of me I could not figure out WHY Melissa had ever approved of them.

When I got to the store for the tape, all I remember finding was velcro.

The End.

HAHAHAHAHA! I don't know if that makes you laugh, but I certainly got a good kick out of it. There were so many sub-conscious thoughts coming to the surface there it's not even funny lol!

Well, onto the reason for this post. Since I began this journey to shed some pounds in order to fit in the dress, I have lost a total of 7 pounds. I still have some more to go, but I did indeed squeeze into that dress on Tuesday. And didn't look half bad doing it ;)





So, I decided that for the next few weeks, a fun thing to do would be to put on the dress and take pictures of how I fit into it better than before. At first I was thinking every week, but I think that may get a little boring. So every other week I will be putting it on, taking a picture (next time not with my cell) and posting.

It looks fine... really. Unless I sit down ;)

more on the running

I am now in the middle of week 3 of my new exercise of choice, aka running.

It has been phenominal to be able to set small goals and watch myself not only meet but definitely soar past what I thought I could do! 3 weeks ago, the thought of running a mile, non-stop, with no walking was enough to make me break into a sweat and start hyperventilating. But what a difference 18 days makes!

Friday morning, I had a bit of a sore throat, but I pressed on. I'm glad that I did, because that sore throat erupted into an all-out cold monster by evening. I wasn't able to get back into the work-out for 4 days. My worst fear. Seriously. Because I knew that if i didn't keep going, i would be much more tempted to stop.

I thought for sure that I would be weaker when I got on the treadmill to do my 2 miles this morning... so i started out nice and easy. A little walking, a little more running, and so on. Until I was in about 7 minutes. Then I thought to myself, "self, you can do this. You can go just a little bit further. You're breathing well, your legs don't hurt anymore, heck push yourself past your 2 minute running cap and see if you can finish 2/10s of the mile."

Please don't laugh! That's seriously what I was thinking. Because, you see folks, in my mind, 2/10s of a mile is equivalent to an eternity.

So off I went. Go, go, go! I got to 2/10s and realized it wasn't as difficult as I had thought it would be, so I continued. For 6 minutes. Where I stopped at reaching exactly 1/2 mile! I finished the first mile in 13 minutes, which is also a new record. The second took me a bit longer because...

My one mistake lay in the fact that I did this too early on. While I wasn't ready to die after doing that, I did feel like I might throw up and I was quite weary. I still had another 15 minutes to go. But go I did! And I feel so GREAT!

Even as I'm writing this, i'm thinking that you (my readers) will have one of 2 reactions
1) you're really proud of me and are inspired to know that you too can get in shape!
2) you think i'm just tooting my own horn and i'm annoying for flaunting my success.

Well, to the #1ers: Thank you for being proud of me and if I could ever be an inspiration to anyone (especially in this area) it would be one of my greatest accomplishments... seriously.

And to the #2ers: This is my blog, I can say whatever I want!

I'm growing ever closer to making the leap and actually registering for the 5K i was talking about doing a couple posts ago. I was disheartened at first to realize that it is indeed on the same day that I am shooting a wedding, but I think I may just do it anyways. The race would be over a good 3 hours before I needed to be anywhere ;) Plus, it's categorized as a "walk/run" which will make me feel like less of a loaf when I need to walk a bit.

So #1ers, cheer me on! I was down 4 lbs last time i checked, but it's been a week or so, so i actually have no idea if I've lost more or not. Whatevs, as long as I fit into that stinking dress, I don't care how much the scale says LOL!

run baby, RUN!

or rather, "jog baby, jog!"

Throughout the fall and even into early winter I was quite satisfied with my health. I was by no means working out at any kind of mentionable rate, but I did for about a month go 3 times a week with a friend. We kind fizzled and I pretty much got cocky with the fact that I had lost about 12 pounds and just wanted to "relax"

"relaxing" is pretty much equivalent to putting a welcome sign on my hips and stomach and saying "vacancy" HAHAHA! Because dontcha know, that's pretty much what happened.

+15 pounds later, I had fun, but seriously, is it worth not being able to actually fit comfortably into anything i own? Almost 2 years ago, I weighed 5 pounds more than I do right now, my MAX weight. I will never ever allow myself to go past there. I just can't ever do it. I lost 23 pounds(ish) and got rid of my fat clothes... all my clothes fit me for 15 pounds ago. So squeezing into them right now is not a pretty sight.

UGH

Since I am a very analytical person, I think a lot. I am also a multi-tasker. So while I am sitting, I can never just do nothing. I usually am sitting and: watching tv, working on lappy, sleeping, eating, talking to someone.

All activities that lead to inevitable weight gain. But among all this sitting and other multi-tasky things, I think to myself that during the summer, it's easier for me to lose weight, because I WANT to be doing things, and the sun feels good, so i LIKE to be outside.

I am all about mind over matter. If you don't mind, then it doesn't matter. And also, if I set my mind to doing something, then it won't matter that other things are in the way, I'll figure out how to do it.

So, I decided that I need to get the heck in shape. Not only because i most certainly won't fit into the wedding dress when it comes in, but because I am just uncomfortable at this weight.

I need goals, and things to attain, so the dress is certainly incentive, but I want to continue past that point. So I am continually thinking of where I will go next after I reach one goal etc.

I HATE, and I do mean LOAAATHEE going to the gym. Why? Because you have to plan it out every stinking time you go, and if you are planning on working out for say 30 minutes, that 30 mins quickly becomes an hour or more with drive time, prep time etc. SOOOO annoying!

Therefore, I have hit the pavement. I've never been one to sweat, or get my heart rate really goin, because I didn't see the purpose, ultimate goal, or any kind of benefit. But with a goal in mind, I started jogging and jog I will.

I did some research before beginning because I wanted to set myself up to keep going and not just quit after 2 days, like I normally do. I settled on starting out with equal parts walking/jogging. And those equal parts would amount to 15 seconds. Go ahead, laugh at me! Cuz I sure did! But that's what I could do!

Day one: 15 on 15 off... so far so good, but I felt good after 10 minutes so i upped it to 30 on 30 off.

Day two: 30 on 30 off pretty much the whole time.

By Thursday (day 4) I had worked up to doing 2 solid 15 minute miles!

And today (day 7) I got down to 2 miles in just under 28 minutes.

I feel so good with goals in mind and totally believe I can keep doing this.



I will definitely be keeping this up and I am so excited to see how it will help me. I've never worked out to lose weight before. I've always lost weight by just eating better. Which is definitely great, but I'm really excited to see what the combo does.

My shorter term goal, even before the dress is to participate in this 5K. Since I'm already getting used to doing a little more than 2 miles, 3.1 miles isn't too big of a step up. It's April 4th and benefits those who suffer with non-smokers lung cancer.

PS I do not look like the girl in the picture when I'm running LOL!