Saturday, June 13, 2009

a new chapter

It seems like just a few weeks ago that I was thinking these days I've just spent were so far off.

I loved my job as a nanny. But it wasn't going to be my life. Or my career. It was never intended to be that for me. I never thought it would be so hard to leave though.

On the one hand, I'm so happy to be done with that chapter in my life. Whereas on the other, I feel like a huge piece of my heart and my life has been obliterated. Of course, the family I worked with only lives 6 miles from me. But it's not the same.

I used to think about what it would be like when I left... thinking that I could either be an emotional basketcase about the whole thing, or I could just be cold-hearted and unemotional so as to avoid the imminent heartache. Deep down, what I really wanted was a balance combination of the two. I think I've achieved that, but I never ever expected it to hurt as much as it does. I used to imagine myself crying at night... never really thinking that day would come. But it has. And even as I sit here, tears are coming to my eyes as I recollect the memories I have made with them the last two years.

It's a heartache that I've never felt before. And I'm trying to put words to how I feel, but it seems awfully difficult. I have so many things to look forward to right now. And one of the things I've been struggling with lately is the very real fact that I may very well be saying goodbye to a lot more people than Andy, Claudia and Sydney.

I had a dream just the other night that I was hugging people I knew I would never see again. Simply because their presence in my life is not that profound. Like, if I leave to live in north carolina, I will still see my family, and my close friends, but there are a lot of people that i just may never see again. It's hard to think about, but somehow comforting... maybe because if I realize it now, it won't be so hard when the time actually comes.

I sat down here originally to write down how excited I am to be leaving in the morning. And that I am! I have so many plans in my mind... whether they become reality, we'll see. But I am hoping to have an adventure unlike any I've had so far in my life these next 3 weeks. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.

I was just looking through my flickr account to see if i had an appropriate picture to share (since my entire desktop is packed away in my car!) Yes, that's right. I'm taking my desktop with me. I started thinking about doing all the work I have to do on my laptop and I realized that the laptop would meet it's death if I attempted such a thing. It's seen better days. But alas, there are no pictures appropriate for such a post, but feel free to check out the pics in my photostream anyways :) There are a lot in there that I have yet to post on my photo blog. But they will be posted soon :) and hopefully with lovely commentary. Although, most of the time I feel like the things I have to say with my pictures are just blahblahblah.

Anyways, it's after midnight now, and while I expected to be hitting the sack by about 3am, I am pleasantly accepting this new bedtime :)

My next post will be from MD and I'm planning to photo-document my whole trip. We'll see how that goes ;)


2 extraordinary comments:

Melissa June 14, 2009 at 7:49 AM  

I hope you have a wonderful time while you are gone. I will miss you tons! :(

Debbie June 14, 2009 at 5:28 PM  

i miss you already -- sorry, i do. i'm going to love following your blog though -- 'cause that may be the best way to hear exactly what you have to say -- and i DO love hearing what you have to say!

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