the Burb (autopost)

In my family, there are 4 of us. And we each own a car. In fact, I currently own 2... you can read about that sad saga with a happy ending (sort of) here.

I own a '95 green Eagle Vision (currently out of commission and potentially sold for a total of $500) and I drive an '08 black Honda Civic... it's more than beautiful... it's a work of art *sigh*

My brother owns a '97 white (with some rust) Chrysler Concorde. It's pretty much the same as my eagle... they are both amazing cars. Truly wonders of nature.

My parents conjoinly (is that even a word???) own a '99 red Toyota Camry, but it's mostly referred to as my mom's car.

Now for the part that this post is really about. My dad's car.

It used to be the family car... replacing the wood sided station wagon we affectionately referred to as the "beaver slug". However, it has been degraded to the position of "glorified and extremely expensive" tractor.

It's the 1991 two toned blue GMC Suburban.

It has tinted windows, which we thought were SO cool when we first got it in 1996. At only 5 years old, the truck was still in it's prime. It may have even been considered an "early" SUV.

When the beaver slugs "get up and go" "got up and left" the Suburban was right there to save the day. I remember feeling so cool when we would go places in that baby.

Even into high school, the "Burb" as we came to affectionately came to call it, it was still pretty cool. I drove it to school most days when I was a senior and while I quickly became aware of the fact that it was no longer "cool" I was still highly in tune with the fact that I got a TON of attention from it. People talked about that thing like it was the "cool kid in school." I didn't need to raise my hand for roll call, because if the truck was there, they knew I was.

Well, graduation came and went... and the Burb had a couple noteworthy mishaps. The first time my dad accidentally jackknifed our trailer (like a trailer for hauling wood/rocks/dirt etc) into the side of it. We got insurance money to fix it, but decided to use it for family vacation to Hawaii.

The second time, my brother was at the bank with it... you know those yellow posts that are near the gas pumps at gas stations? I know there has to be a word for them, but I have NO idea what it is. Basically he side swiped the truck against one of those... leaving the burb with a nice stripe of faintly yellow paint that matched it's blue two tone so well.

I can't remember how many different mishaps that car has been through over the years, but I would like to paint a verbal picture of the current state that the suburban is now in.

The latch on the doors in the back of the truck are completely rusted off... one can only hope that going over a bump will not set the panels flying open revealing the interior.

Because the interior carpet is reminiscent of a tartan quilt assembled from scraps of various carpet clippings and pieces of cardboard collected throughout the years.

Also from the inside, you can see the ground through the wheel wells.

It always smells of gasoline due to the fact that there are holes in the wheel wells pouring exhaust into the car. This coupled with the stains of petroleum products all over the inside of the vehicle, that have come from transporting various pieces of landscaping equipment and gasoline containers, gives the vehicle the pleasant aroma of a gas station from the 80's.

There is enough rust on the car that we often caution people to make sure they stay within a 20 foot radius of the truck unless their tetanus booster is up to date.

If you could plug every oraface in your body while in that vehicle would probably be the ideal situation. However, that is not efficient or even possible. I have come to the conclusion that driving the burb is a health hazard as I have actually contracted a sinus infection after driving the car for several days.

It was Christmas two years ago and the camry was in the shop for some repairs. Since we needed to travel to Maryland with two cars for the holiday the only two left were the eagle and the chrysler... the suburban was not even an option. Well, my parents ended up taking the eagle down 3 days prior to my brother's and my trek... and since the chrysler is his, I ended up with the burb.

Yes, that's right. Me and the burb. Alone for 3 whole days. I tried to do minimal driving for multiple reasons. There's obviously the embarrassing factor, which would seem to be enough reason for most people, but there is another reason (and in fact a third that I wasn't aware of at the time)

The second reason is the fact that the burb gets anywhere from 8-12 mpg depending on whether or not dad is doing "jack-rabbit starts" with it. You can just use your imagination with that one. When we first got it, it was getting 17 on the open road... however, it's been a few many years since it's been allowed to be on the open road.

The third reason is the fact that I acquired a sinus infection after my 3 days of alone time with the burb. One could speculate that I contracted said infection because of the weather or some other environmental cause. I completely agree. The "environment" surrounding the burb was EXACTLY what caused it. There you have it.

With that said, I would like to explain what happens when acceleration occurs. To say that stepping on the gas pedal makes you feel like you're under an air assault in a WWII film would be a gross understatement. It's practically necessary to put ear plugs in while driving yet somehow the car is still road legal. In fact, it would pass inspection at a moment's notice due to my dad's meticulous care for the engine and other such necessary parts of a running vehicle.

My dad loves that truck so much. I'm not sure what he would do without it... I'm sure that the burb finds comfort in knowing that with all its inadequacies and shortcomings, there is still one person in the world that loves it unconditionally... and I guess that's all that really matters.